It’s been a long hiatus, but Alert: MPU was back with a season premiere that brought back a familiar face and had the team searching for an entire team of teen girls.
Shockingly, it was business as usual on Alert: MPU Season 3 Episode 1 in a serviceable premiere that didn’t exactly set any groundwork for the rest of the season, but it did succeed at reminding us of the buddy-cop goodness of Mike and Jason.
So, let’s recap everything that happened.
We coast up a lake before they present us with a shot of some teenagers growing a boat, and frankly, they are better than me. They look overworked, miserable, and ready for an iced coffee.
Meanwhile, their coaches are shouting at them to get things going and push harder. The girls bicker about this, and it’s clear that they’re very competitive and hope to beat a rival school.
Amid their bickering, they get stuck in the middle of the lake. As one of the teens, Tally, attempts to get them “unstuck” using her oar, she falls into the lake somehow, like something out of a horror movie.
It’s evidently the team’s most pressing case, but thankfully, instead of the obnoxious alert they usually send, we have something slightly less obnoxious: shirtless Jason lying in bed with Wayne before a text message wakes him up.
Jason drops the news to a sleepy Wayne that she’s no longer on parole, and he romantically removes in with some kissing down her body until he snatches it off. Kudos, my guy. It was kinda hot.
They segue quite nicely from one happy couple to the next as Nikki and Mike waltz into work together fresh off their honeymoon, and Kemi scores all the juicy details about it. She’s so real for that!
Kemi also tells them that Bill Houston will be temporarily head of the department, which is a refreshing change for that last terrible man we shall not name.
One of the coaches interrupts the festivities to share that her teen girls are missing. It’s time to get serious now, but I’m still wondering why all the coaches left these girls by themselves rowing in the middle of nowhere.
Mike and Jason are back to bro-ing it out as Jason asks Mike for advice on how to deal with Wayne now that she isn’t confined to that godforsaken motel again. If she doesn’t want to move in with Jason, she at least may want a drawer.
Jason is off to stare at the lake and try to figure out what the real story is. He finds the chain connected to a buoy that should have stopped the boat. It’s not attached to the rocks, so he can conclude that the girls aren’t just lost; someone took them.
Unfortunately, I spoke too soon, and the obnoxious blaring alert is still in effect. Oops!
Anyway, everyone’s favorite mob guy, Charlie McGannon, is chilling at a restaurant having a meeting with his guys when he sees the girls’ alert.
And just like Jason said, someone has the girls. They’re walking them through the woods with a gun, and when one of the girls tries to run away, the mysterious man shoots in her direction, and she falls.
I guess it sucks that she isn’t an elite track athlete rather than a rower in this context. Oof!
Back at the station, the parents are pissed to the highest degree of pissivity about the coaches losing their daughters, and you know what? FAIR! My mother would’ve been ready to burn everything down if that happened to me.
Nikki does her best to diffuse the situation and claims the coaches didn’t do anything wrong, but frankly, they did. The parents are entitled to their feelings. Team Parents!
One of the parents suggests that it must be the rival team, a group of males from Rittenhouse Tech. You know what? Teenage boys do pretty stupid things, and this wouldn’t be shocking. Also, Rittenhouse makes me think of Timeless, so I’m immediately on guard, too.
Who better to talk to teenage boys than these adult men who sometimes act like teenage boys? Mike and Jason are on their way to chat, but they’re still talking about Wayne, who is apparently on some kind of shopping spree using Jason’s credit card.
Is it platinum? Because he mentioned Dolce & Gabbana. Wayne is hitting that wallet HARD.
Mike and Jason interview obnoxious Nate, the captain of the rival team. Nate used to text one of the girls, Kate, taunting them about losing. He used to date Kate, and he shares that the girls receive lots of money for everything, and the guys are frustrated by that.
Apparently, one of the girls, Bella, brings in a lot of money, which they can use for their rowing team.
Kemi looks into her finances. Her tuition at the school was paid by money order, which is unusual, and there is no information about her parents listed on the record.
Kemi and Nikki try to get a better idea of Bella and her connection to all of this. They contact her sorority. The sister they interview doesn’t want to talk to cops because she claims she”doesn’t do cops.”
To Kemi’s credit, she says she doesn’t “do sorority girls.” Point. Score. Kemi. It was the delivery.
The soror sister claims Bella doesn’t go out partying, but she might be a wild cat in the sack because she’s loud in her room. She also says a Silver Fox picks Bella up once a week. Is she a sugar baby?
Wayne is delighted that she’s out and calls Jason to talk about how amazing Philadelphia is and all the sites. But they have to cut her short to talk to a guy who is gutting fish. They find a sweatshirt belonging to one of the rowing girls, and it’s covered in blood. She’s been shot.
Bella tries to rally the girls, but they’re all bickering, and honestly, you can’t blame them. The last time an all-girl team landed in a shady situation like this, they wound up eating each other and performing rituals. Shoutout to Yellowjackets.
Kemi finds a video of the car of Bella’s “sugar daddy,” and they hope to track this guy down, whoever he is. Nikki recognizes the guy who picks up Bella and it’s a man who works for Charlie. Because that Irish mobster is always behind everything!
Nikki drops by for a visit and wants to speak to Charlie urgently, and his accountant Renee tries to dissuade Nikkie from coming in, but Charlie shows up and lets her in.
He admits that Bella is his daughter. Renee was there because someone wanted to collect ransom from Charlie. He got a waitress pregnant, and when her mother died, Bella got back into Charlie’s life. Surprisingly, he’s a family man.
Wayne shows up with loads of shopping bags and helps the team with the crypto wallet and ransom. Wayne has to hack the Irish mob. It’s totally safe and not dangerous at all!
Helen tells the team about a guy Kaz connected to the case, and the guys get to head out there to speak to him. Apparently, he associates with the Polish mob. A little mob war is always fun!
They talk to the mob boss masquerading as a business owner, but naturally, he sets Json off by not caring about the five little “rich bitches” who are missing, so Jason has to rough him up a bit.
A little tie in the meat grinder action may get the guy to spill the beans about his actions or point them in the direction of his lackey Kaz, who took the girls.
The tacky tie deserves a slow death. Seriously, who wears a yellow cheetah-print tie? Is this guy Fred Flinstone or something?
Apparently, Kaz is a freelancer who hasn’t been around in a year, so maybe he’s not working with the Polish mobster, but he gives him a clue about Pittsburgh. Unfortunately, they leave before they hear the other lackey make a phone call. The lackey called Renee, the accountant.
The girls overhear that they’re walking dead and try to get out. For some dumb reason, they start arguing again and spilling each other’s secrets. NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR THIS! However, Bella does connect the dots and realizes that it’s all connected to her dad.
They learn that Renee’s husband abused her, and she outsourced a hitman, Kaz, to take him out.
Nikki talks to Charlie again, mostly to reprimand him for being a piece of crap boss. Renee went to him for help when her husband was beating her up, but he dismissed her and said she was a “big girl” and needed to handle the situation herself.
Why are men men? Jerk!
Charlie still doesn’t want to believe that Renee is guilty, but Wayne comes in and shares that she has proof that Renee betrayed him. She’s behind the kidnapping and the ransom.
Charlie admits that he made a mistake and that there are only two women he trusts in his life, Renee and Nikki, but now he’s down to Nikki. Let’s hope he treats Nikki better when she needs help. Sheesh!
Helen and Kemi have luck with the Cox box, which helps them monitor the stroke count and figure out where the girls may be. They have a search radius to work with now. Thanks to Charlie, they can narrow it down because of a connection to a specific location.
Jason and Mike are at the correct shed, and they’ve noticed that someone was there. Mike scales the side of the place to peek in, sees the girls, and warns them to be quiet. We’re going in!
Bella tries to distract the guys as Mike and Jason come in. Gunfire erupts, and they take Bella. But Jason is onto them as the one guy tosses Bella into the boat, and Jason jumps in behind them and fights with the guy.
Bella finds the gun and uses it to knock the guy out as he’s choking Jason out, saving his life. Bella is a boss! The girls reunite with their families and coach, and it’s all sweet. Bella isn’t upset with Charlie, and the girls share her heroics.
Charlie takes an interest in Wayne and asks Nikki about her. She dismisses him, but it doesn’t seem like something that will just go away. He likes what Wayne can do. It’s not the last of that pair, no way.
Charlie does hang out at his daughter’s competition, and Mike and Jason accompany him and lay down the gauntlet, warning him off getting Nikki involved in anything anymore. It’s macho, cheesiness, and likely won’t hold, but I guess we’re just going to pretend they have the type of pull.
They also inquire about Renee’s whereabouts as we get flashbacks to Charlie’s men burying her alive and someone stabbing the kidnappers in prison. Mob boss is going to mob boss.
Charlie may not bother Nikki anymore, but something tells me he’ll be aligning with Wayne soon.
Speaking of Wayne, Jason struggles to tell her that she can come to stay with him at his place if necessary, but she’s more amused by his awkwardness than I was. She says she’s staying at that sad motel for free as she hides one-star reviews and bolsters business. It’s giving Schitt’s Creek.
And then the two fall into bed together, but inquiring minds still would love to know if they’ll ever have a date or leave that damn room. It’s horrendous.
Over to you, Alert MPU Fanatics. What did you think about this season premiere? Sound off below!
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